So, if you're feeling broody, just read my helpful top (was just 5, but quickly expanding) reasons why you may want to reconsider going down that road right now. I'm sure it's more effective than all other contraceptives combined...
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6. Your body.
Not only does childbirth destroy the body, but the human spawn gets bigger and stronger, and proceeds to continue hurting you too. They're not even mine and I'm covered in bruises from having toy cars smashed into me or being kicked or punched for asking for something as simple as 'please put your coat on' or 'let's eat lunch'. Oh and then there's all the scratches and bruises I've received from Aurianne when she's climbing on me or when I'm trying to wrestle her into tights. Ouch.
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5. Mealtimes
Why are they so hard? Why does it take someone so small who is eating half of what an adult is eating, take 3 times as long to do it? I'm 90% sure that the average length of a mealtime is 1 hour. And that is just eating. Simple main course and fruit/yogurt for dessert. With no breaks in between. Not even intellectual conversation.
Not only that, but it looks as though everything supposedly eaten during the aforementioned meal has been splattered across the floor, table, chairs, children, clothes and me. I do so much more laundry than I ever did before for this main reason. The other reasons are slightly higher on my list because they are just a little bit more gross than regurgitated banana. Who knew.
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4. Lack of sleep.
This could probably have come under 'my body', but it's so extreme I think it deserves its whole own heading. Why, children? Why will you no sleep at night?! This week I think I've been woken up an average of 3 times per night, every night. And I'm not even the one that has to get up and deal with it! There's mid-night toilet trips, coughing fits, earache, 'I can't/don't want to sleep', feeding time and nappy changes. Oh, and then they wanna get up at 6am?! Not cool.
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3. Creatures.
See my post about 'Worms, Headlice and other human parasites'. Need I say more. This is another reason for dramatically increased laundry...
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2. Poo and other bodily excretions.
(Here's the final laundry reason). Only three times today have I changed a pooey nappy and had it smeared across my hands. I have also endured wiping a 3 year old's poo smeared bum, and poo being picked up out of a potty and thrown on the floor (that was last week. Fingers crossed for never again). And there's wee too. Marc thought it was hilarious to stand up in the bath and wee 'at me', while Aurianne has been perfecting the skill of mid-nappy change wees lately.
There's also a crazy amount of snot and dribble that come out of those little bundles of joy. So much of it seems to end up on my jeans/jumpers etc. it's unreal.
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1. Three year olds.
To enlighten you about the joys of 3 yr olds, here are just some of the charming things Marc has said to me today....
'Why?'We've also had several tantrums for what I can only describe as the most ridiculous of things over the past few days. One of which involved screaming and running into the middle of the road after the request that we walked a little bit faster (a 10 minute walk home from school had taken over 30 mins and we weren't even half way home yet...), another involved collapsing on the playground in a fit of rage and despair and refusing to get up for 10 mins after I told him I had Prince chocolate biscuits for an after-school snack and not the dinosaur biscuits he wanted.
'I don't want to eat dinner'
'I'm going to throw the broccoli in the bin'
'I'm going to stab you because you're naughty'
'I'm going to throw you in the bin because you're not nice'
'AHHHHHHH'
'Why?'
'Nooo, I won't'
'I think you're mean'
'I'm going to spill this yoghurt on the table'
'Bam bam. I'm bashing you with my car'
'I'm going to throw peas at you'
'WOOOOOO, I'm scaring you because I'm cross'
'I'm not hungry so I'm not eating anything for my dinner' (closely followed by...)'I want stroopwafels'
'I'm going to break you'.
I googled 'dealing with a 3 year old' and this absolute genius of an article was the first hit. I think it sums it all up pretty accurately!
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Oh, and before people start trying to tell me 'but you're just an Au Pair! Kids are great!'... Yeah, I'm sooo sure it's completely different when they're your own. It's probably 10 times worse because you're the one that actually has to deal with it all 24/7 (unless you have an au pair, that is....!)
Rant. Over.
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